I have always wanted to go to Kansas. It’s such a great tourist destination. There’s so much to see and it’s incredibly lively and beautiful.
Said no one ever.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. I once wanted to go to Kansas. In moving out of my place in Sarasota, I found an old diary from when I was about 8 years old. As if little has changed about me, I loved writing, especially writing about travel. The journal entry read, “If I were to go to twelve places in all twelve months, I would go to…” and I listed twelve misspelled and scattered places, one of them being “Cansis.”
I have no idea why I wanted to visit Kansas. The only reason I can think of is maybe because I saw The Wizard of Oz. But when I saw that little childhood dream, I knew I had to stop in on the way to Colorado.
The night before I left St. Louis, I went to an open mic at a coffee shop. I was talking to one of the guys there about my trip and told him that I would be driving through Kansas the next day. I asked, “is there even anything there??” He said, “that’s where I’m from.” I took it as another sign and asked him if he had any ideas where I should stay. He told me that there was a town right in the middle where I could rest – Salina.
I was feeling very uneasy about Kansas. I really didn’t know anything about it and didn’t have any idea where I would stay overnight. I anxiously packed up in the morning, got some gas and food, and started driving west on one very long, flat highway.
As soon as I passed Kansas City, the westernmost state in Missouri, the buildings and signs started to disappear. The road started to open up a little and soon there were no more trees, just a few cows, prairie, hay bales for hundreds of miles. I took this as an opportunity for reflection. Why did Kansas, of all places, scare me so much?
I discovered a few things.
1) The unknown is utterly terrifying.
2) An unknown of a great deal of open space is even more terrifying. Up until now, I’ve been going nonstop in cities, meeting people, bustling. But now I can’t run away or distract myself. I literally had to drive through this plain, a vessel for me to really get in touch with myself.
3) This part of my experience was necessary for transformation. In my most recent chapter of life, there was pain that I hadn’t fully confronted yet. I often had a very difficult time being alone at home. The open Kansas highway forced me to open up. I remembered my friend Jordan telling me about a Native American blood ritual during which one makes cuts on his arms as a symbol of death and rebirth, cleansing. I imagined my drive through Kansas leaving me stripped and bare, allowing infection to drip away, cleaning the wounds, which must sting before healing. I can already say that since I left, being alone is much easier, even preferred at times.
After about 7 hours of rumbling road with no trees or clouds to shade the blazing sun, my head was aching and my eyes felt like mush. I decided to stop in that little town of Salina, right smack dab in the middle of the middle of nowhere. I drove around for a few minutes to see what a small mid-America town looks like…still not much. I found a cheap but decent hotel and fell onto the king size bed, physically and emotionally drained.
I drove through the second half of Kansas today with a different perspective, trying to remind myself that there is something to learn even from what seems empty. In fact, there can be even more to discover about ourselves in the wide stillness.
My friend Johanna, who I stayed with in St. Louis, shared this quote with me today. It really resonates with me in regards to the past couple of days as well as my journey so far as a whole.
“If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself… then truth will not be withheld from you.”
– Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love
